The elephant in the room

I have always been a big fan of new years. I can’t help but find the promise of a “new beginning” extremely enticing - I love reflecting upon the past 365 days, drafting resolutions, looking forward to a brand new calendar filled with wishes and above all hope. I like having an excuse to clean up clutter - physical, mental and emotional. And I particularly love following as many crazy Brazilian traditions as possible (i.e. wearing white and brand new underwear, eating 12 grapes at midnight, lentils, pomegranate, etc.), all in an effort to evoke some sort of cosmic help to bring forth the best possible year yet. As it’s often said after Cervantes, “yo no creo en brujas, pero que las hay, las hay” (or something like “I don’t believe in witches, but they do exist”). When in doubt, I have always done my best and felt utterly eager to start a new year, a fresh beginning, on the right foot.

This year, however, has felt somewhat different. With our baby daughter’s imminent birth always on my mind, I’ve been feeling quite uneasy. Not only because birth and the postpartum period are by nature highly unpredictable, but also because, this year, we must all address the elephant in the room - the one with the neon sign exclaiming that these are very uncertain times, especially for those of us raising little kids. I guess most of us can agree that last year wasn’t exactly a period of smooth sailing. Most “2018 retrospective” articles I read tried and failed to steer the focus from what a hot mess last year was for politics, for the environment, for women’s rights, for our basic sense of stability. Reading the news last year often felt like having the metaphorical rug being pulled from under our feet, day after day, until all we could do was lie on the floor and cease to be shocked by the grueling reality we’re currently living in.

Believe me, I am not a pessimist. I’m a realist most times, and otherwise an open-hearted optimist. I am after all expecting our second little one, so I must believe there is good left in the world. But I must also acknowledge that things are a bit scary right now. The back of my head is constantly coming up with emergency exit plans for my family if, you know, history repeats itself as it tends to do. Yann-Yves and I decided to stay in Munich (a place we’ve come to love so much) until at least 2021, i.e. while Merkel - and the EU - are still around. Everyone nervously laughs when we explain our reasoning, us included. The EU, and with it our right to live in Germany, is something we’d always taken for granted until Brexit kind of happened, and with it the galloping rise of nationalism worldwide. Just like abortion rights were a given in most of the US, or the Paris Agreement reflected just global common sense. If there’s one thing that this moment in time for humanity has taught me it’s that nothing we hold dear, and none of our rights, should be taken for granted - and that we must be ready to fight to keep them.

2019 is the year an ultra-right wing candidate I overtly and completely despise became the president of my country. It’s a year that began with a partial government shutdown in the US. It’s a year in which the gillet jaunes will certainly continue to wreck the French economy and Macron’s credibility (again, nurturing the perfect conditions for nationalism to continue to set and grow its ugly roots). You may think that none of this affects you, so why bother, but it mostly definitely does; so I guess it’s understandable why my enthusiasm for a “fresh new beginning” has been somewhat toned down this time around. But this is also the year we become a family of 4, the year I dive deeper into creating a career out of purpose, the year I turn 30. And that is, at last, what I choose to selfishly focus on.

As we all start setting into this new year, may we keep the hopes, the wishes, and the resolutions we set for ourselves on the 31st. But may we also acknowledge the reality of the massive elephant in the room - for it is there, and it shouldn’t be ignored if we are to stand a fighting chance.

Looking back, thinking forward, living now

Come this time every year, I can't help but join the masses in feeling more introspective than usual. I trick myself into believing that by 23:59 of the 31st, I must have worked out most of my flaws and past failures, acknowledged everything that I have to be grateful for, and be ready to face the new year with clear goals in mind and the resilience to accomplish them.

2017 has been a toughly joyful year. Or joyfully tough? It was the most sweet and sour year I've had in my life, though I know without the shadow of a doubt that its highlight (the birth of my son) outweighs any and all hardships I have faced. 

*10*

This time last year, I was about 2 months pregnant. I was so happy, so grateful, so scared - I ached to tell people about my little bundle of joy, yet I wouldn't dare. 

*9*

I rushed to write my resolutions, a little later than usual. I normally write them throughout the 31st or a couple of days before (for fear that a last minute event would force me to refocus my objectives for the following year), but last year I found myself hurrying through them in the last hour. "This time around, it doesn't matter", I thought, knowing I wouldn't look again at them past January 1st anyway. My number one aim was to become a mother.

*8*

...To become a mother while generally becoming a better person, too, of course. That's what resolutions are all about, in any case. I guess most of us strive to be a better version of ourselves in one way or another.  Although it's exhausting, to be honest, having this insatiable urge to "become better".

*7*

Last year I aimed at becoming a mother while keeping my anxiety in check, being kinder, meditating, doing yoga, kicking ass at work, being there for my husband, keeping in touch with my family and friends, writing on a regular basis and working on my German. 

*6*

Yet, that's not enough - is it ever? New Year's Eve is just as much an opportunity to start new, to refresh our resilience, to have hope and believe that this time around it'll be different, I will be different!... as it is the opportunity to remind oneself that there will always be, without a doubt, room for improvement.

*5*

I always opt to focus on the former option, for the sake of my own sanity and to cultivate some optimism. It's the very least I owe to my son. In a world where Trump is president, we could all use optimism.

*4*

This year, I must carry somewhat of a load with me past the last minute of 2017. As someone who craves organization, clear-cut ends/beginnings and is extremely structure-driven, this is has been hard for me to accept. I held on to the hope that it would be sorted until the last business day of the year, but it didn't really work that way. It's taken a bit away from my childish hope that things can change for the better, just like that, at the turn of the clock. I wish I could leave this load behind, but alas, it' beyond me. What's new on my new year's resolutions? Accept the things I can't control. 

*3*

Yet! It's always at the very end of a countdown, once we're past introspection and hope and uncertainty and perhaps even regret that we say "SCREW IT! I'm gonna enjoy myself". For what matters in the end and should suffice beyond any other accomplishment is that we're here now. We're healthy, we're fed, we have a roof over our heads and we have each other.  I could be a master-yogi-meditation-guru-badass-businesswoman-fierce-fearless-mother tomorrow, and perhaps I will. For now, however, being myself is plenty and anything else is honestly a generous bonus.

*2*

So come midnight I will put my load down, drink champagne, kiss my husband, hug my parents, embrace my son and truly hope. Hope for myself and for all of us that we can get past whatever let us down in the past, that we can get the renewal we want and deserve from turning the page into a new year, that we can focus on all that we have to look forward to, and that we can be grateful for what we already have. I'll hope - no, believe - that I have the resilience necessary to accomplish every single thing that I set out to do, including (but not limiting myself to) being the best mother I can be. I'll also believe that if these things aren't accomplished, I'll have the wisdom to be truly happy with what is already here.

*1*

We can always pick up our loads again tomorrow. For now, we drink, we sing, we dance, and we believe.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!