Looking back, thinking forward, living now
Come this time every year, I can't help but join the masses in feeling more introspective than usual. I trick myself into believing that by 23:59 of the 31st, I must have worked out most of my flaws and past failures, acknowledged everything that I have to be grateful for, and be ready to face the new year with clear goals in mind and the resilience to accomplish them.
2017 has been a toughly joyful year. Or joyfully tough? It was the most sweet and sour year I've had in my life, though I know without the shadow of a doubt that its highlight (the birth of my son) outweighs any and all hardships I have faced.
*10*
This time last year, I was about 2 months pregnant. I was so happy, so grateful, so scared - I ached to tell people about my little bundle of joy, yet I wouldn't dare.
*9*
I rushed to write my resolutions, a little later than usual. I normally write them throughout the 31st or a couple of days before (for fear that a last minute event would force me to refocus my objectives for the following year), but last year I found myself hurrying through them in the last hour. "This time around, it doesn't matter", I thought, knowing I wouldn't look again at them past January 1st anyway. My number one aim was to become a mother.
*8*
...To become a mother while generally becoming a better person, too, of course. That's what resolutions are all about, in any case. I guess most of us strive to be a better version of ourselves in one way or another. Although it's exhausting, to be honest, having this insatiable urge to "become better".
*7*
Last year I aimed at becoming a mother while keeping my anxiety in check, being kinder, meditating, doing yoga, kicking ass at work, being there for my husband, keeping in touch with my family and friends, writing on a regular basis and working on my German.
*6*
Yet, that's not enough - is it ever? New Year's Eve is just as much an opportunity to start new, to refresh our resilience, to have hope and believe that this time around it'll be different, I will be different!... as it is the opportunity to remind oneself that there will always be, without a doubt, room for improvement.
*5*
I always opt to focus on the former option, for the sake of my own sanity and to cultivate some optimism. It's the very least I owe to my son. In a world where Trump is president, we could all use optimism.
*4*
This year, I must carry somewhat of a load with me past the last minute of 2017. As someone who craves organization, clear-cut ends/beginnings and is extremely structure-driven, this is has been hard for me to accept. I held on to the hope that it would be sorted until the last business day of the year, but it didn't really work that way. It's taken a bit away from my childish hope that things can change for the better, just like that, at the turn of the clock. I wish I could leave this load behind, but alas, it' beyond me. What's new on my new year's resolutions? Accept the things I can't control.
*3*
Yet! It's always at the very end of a countdown, once we're past introspection and hope and uncertainty and perhaps even regret that we say "SCREW IT! I'm gonna enjoy myself". For what matters in the end and should suffice beyond any other accomplishment is that we're here now. We're healthy, we're fed, we have a roof over our heads and we have each other. I could be a master-yogi-meditation-guru-badass-businesswoman-fierce-fearless-mother tomorrow, and perhaps I will. For now, however, being myself is plenty and anything else is honestly a generous bonus.
*2*
So come midnight I will put my load down, drink champagne, kiss my husband, hug my parents, embrace my son and truly hope. Hope for myself and for all of us that we can get past whatever let us down in the past, that we can get the renewal we want and deserve from turning the page into a new year, that we can focus on all that we have to look forward to, and that we can be grateful for what we already have. I'll hope - no, believe - that I have the resilience necessary to accomplish every single thing that I set out to do, including (but not limiting myself to) being the best mother I can be. I'll also believe that if these things aren't accomplished, I'll have the wisdom to be truly happy with what is already here.
*1*
We can always pick up our loads again tomorrow. For now, we drink, we sing, we dance, and we believe.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!