Interview with Yann-Yves

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I have only been able to bloom into the role of mother as I have thanks to my husband Yann-Yves. His unyielding support allowed me to have the breathing room necessary to appreciate motherhood, instead of potentially resenting it.* I cannot imagine how single parents (or people with absent partners) manage to keep their sanity in check, and while they have all of my respect, I’m thankful for each and every day in which I can count on Yann-Yves’ presence.

*Resenting motherhood is a somewhat taboo subject that does not get discussed nearly enough. It is real and scary. If you find yourself in that position, know that you are not the only one, and by all means seek help.

Since creating this blog I have exposed all sorts of topics which have become important to me. This process allows me to vent and to digest my experience while hopefully helping you process yours too. It also helps me to know that I am not alone, and neither are you. There is no shortage of women online who, like me, have found in blogs and/or social media the means to express themselves in this new role. Fathers? Not so much. Sure, there are a few out there, but overall men still feel vulnerable when exposing their opinions about fatherhood, their experience, their hardships.

This is why I decided to interview Yann-Yves. I wanted to know more about how this transition felt from his perspective. We know each other very well, but even in our open-minded household his fatherhood does not get discussed nearly as often as my motherhood. I suspect this is the case for others too.

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AC: When I first found out I was pregnant I nearly had a heart attack. I was so afraid of your reaction. We had been together for 7 years, but married for less than 2 weeks, and you often said that you weren’t ready to become a father. Yet from that very first moment you reassured me that we’d be just fine. What went through your mind then?

YY: When you told me you were shaking, and you were obviously terrified. So I just focused on you, on our relationship, on how to make sure that everything was going to be ok. I told myself we’d figure it out no matter what. It was in the books in any case, we’d talked about having kids. I would’ve liked to be a bit more financially stable because I had just started my business a few months earlier, but I didn’t really think about what it meant at that moment. I just wanted to make sure that you were ok.

AC: How did you feel when you first held S? I personally expected more of an instant “I’m a mother now” feeling than I actually got at that moment. Was it as you’d pictured it?

YY: I think that fathers have a different relationship towards newborns than mothers do; the woman carries the baby for the whole pregnancy. For me, the moment I held him in my arms for the first time was a moment of realization: “It’s real, we created this small individual, I’m a father”. But the actual feeling of fatherhood only came later - it slowly seeped in as I progressed into the role.

AC: What were your pre-conceived ideas about fatherhood? How has this changed since actually becoming a father?

YY: I didn’t really have any pre-conceived ideas about being a father… For me the role didn’t come with a map, it came with a compass, as in I knew more or less the direction which I would like to take, but I was open to whatever the adventure was going to be. In the vision I had of fatherhood I was going to be a lot more present. Since S was born work has luckily picked up, which means that I am less present than I would like to be. I’m still finding my balance. But sometimes I hear remarks from people saying they’re impressed with how involved I am, since in Brazil for instance it’s not that common - and that reassures me.

AC: How do you think your own relationship with your father has affected the way that you now approach fatherhood?

YY: All in all I think it’s actually the reverse - my relationship with S has affected my relationship with my father. We’ve become a lot closer, because I understand him a lot better now. I have enormous love and respect for my father. He was always very close to us, and he was never afraid to show his feelings. I’ve seen my dad cry multiple times of joy or sadness. That’s something that I even kind of take for granted at times when I’m with S, because I talk to him a lot and show him how much I love him, which for me is kind of a given. But I know it’s not like that for everyone. Growing up, my dad would make sure we spent time together just him and I, and I have the fondest memories of going with him to the LA Auto Show for instance. It’s moments like that which I’m trying to carve out with S, and in the back of my head I have many plans for spending time just the two of us.

AC: What has been the most difficult aspect of fatherhood for you so far?

YY: I think it’s the guilt. You want to spend time together, but you must keep a balance between work and life. Sometimes I have to justify to myself that everything I’m doing work-wise is to provide for my family, but it’s hard keeping that balance. That’s what I struggle with most.

AC: And the most gratifying?

YY: Watching him progress. It’s crazy, time is flying so quickly. Also some of my favorite moments in the week is picking him up at daycare - he has this pure, blissful smile when he sees me, and there’s just nothing better than that.

AC: Have you ever wondered whether we are being selfish by having children, when the world seems to be about to self-destruct? “Yikes”, I know, but this is something I personally find myself unwillingly wondering at times.

YY: I used to think that in my 20s. But now I think I have a more positive vision of the world, even though I have my skeptical moments. There will always be something to be afraid of, to make you question your actions. I just want to raise our kids the best way we can, for them to be great individuals who hopefully will help make the world a better place. I think it would be irresponsible if we couldn’t provide for them, but that’s not the case. Someone once told me that having children is pure arrogance, it’s just an extension of your ego. But the reality is that they put you to the test - you develop patience you never had before, you develop empathy. You develop all these great things that the world needs more of. Every child is a gift.

AC: What is your biggest fear regarding our kids? For instance, do you fear the rise of antisemitism?

YY: Unfortunately when you’re Jewish antisemitism is a theme that comes up a lot. I spent my high school and junior high years in France, where there has been a steady rise of antisemitism. The populist climate in the world makes me a bit worried. It’s not just antisemitism - it’s racism, it’s homophobia, all these things. Hate in general. I want to believe that there’s good people everywhere and that we’ll make it through these hard times, but as a parent you fear for your children. As for my biggest fear I don’t know… There are so many of them.

AC: We both agree on not setting expectations for our children other than wishing they are happy and healthy - but I often “joke” that I just don’t want them to become conservative and/or intolerant. Is there something that would secretly bother you, or that you fear they might become?

YY: Given their roots - on my side Jewish, on your side you have a great grandmother who was born a slave - I would be disappointed if they turned out intolerant. There are certain values you and I share which I would like to pass on, and it would bother me if they didn’t pick up those values. I also don’t want them to be materialistic. I don’t know. There are times when I encounter people and whatever they’re doing bothers me, and I find myself wondering “what would I do if my son or my daughter did the same?”. Part of me thinks it could be an opportunity for growth, for discussion, maybe to see things differently. On the other side I think that a gap might open between us. And that would bother me the most.

Do you have any questions for Yann-Yves? He has agreed to answer them - just post in the comments!